She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
