Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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