i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize