What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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