Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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