This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
