The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
