I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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