How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
