Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
