Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
