One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
