Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
