Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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