You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize