That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
