Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
