I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
