Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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