I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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