Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
