He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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