I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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