I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
