Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Small penises have feelings too.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Randomize
