i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I intend to get homeless drunk
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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