Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
