Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm like, not good at living.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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