She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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