Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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