i just had sex bonerless
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
