I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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