He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
