My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
