She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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