im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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