shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
