I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
