Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
