the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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