Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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