Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
