You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Boobs are out for the taking
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think people are normalizing furries
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
