I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
