At least make sure they are 18
Why
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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