I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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