Got a toothbrush?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
