Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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