You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
