Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
