the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
