she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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