I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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