i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
