I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
