first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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