This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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