i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize