Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just high enough for therapy.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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