I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
