Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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