I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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