it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
