I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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