ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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