I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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