Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
