oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
