my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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