I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
